The Burden of Gift Giving

In Philippine culture (at least when I was a kid), it's expected of you to bring a gift to a birthday party. The celebrant also expects it. I was a toddler then and our next door neighbor was celebrating a children's party. I was invited. My mom made it clear to me to wait for the gift which she'll be bringing with her - I was not to go to the party without the gift. The party was already underway and I was all dressed up for it, waiting for my mom and looking at the kids from the adjoining fence. The kids were all playing and were telling me to come and join them. I wanted to but I had no gift. The parents noticed me and again asked me to come over and join the other kids. I really wanted to, but I had to tell them I can't because I still had no gift. They could not convince me otherwise. For me, it wasn't an option. My mom had clear instructions not to go to the party until I had the gift with me. She was horribly late. It was almost dark when my mom arrived. I was already crying because I could see the other kids playing and I couldn't join them. But finally, when my Mom arrived with my gift, I crossed to the other side of the fence and got to play with them.

Thought Bubble
I'm not vilifying my mom. She only did what most mothers would do then and she didn't expect to be late. But I could not forget that incident. Gift-giving became a horrific price of admission. I vowed that if I ever host a birthday party, get married, organize a Christmas dinner, etc., I will only require the presence of the invitees - absolutely no gift giving! I would not want them to be absent simply because they have no gift.

Back when I was still living in Canada with my family, our social circle grew to the tune of 50 people in our Christmas list. Don't get me wrong - I love these guys, that's why they are on that list. I remember braving the crowded malls in search of a suitable gift for each and everyone of them - hopefully, on sale! It wasn't as simple as that. I had to bundle up because it's freezing outside, shovel the sidewalk to get my car out, drive through traffic in snow, find a vacant parking spot in a crowded mall, elbow my way through the department stores in search of that gift, coming back home and wrapping up all of them. And just when I thought I had everything covered, a forgotten name pops up in the list. And I have to repeat that whole process again! I dreaded Christmas as I anticipate that nightmare.

Thought Bubble
With my life now as a nomad, where all my friends are out of my radius, I am greatly relieved I no longer have to bother with that list. If I see something a friend would love (and logistically, it's viable), then I would get it no matter what date on the calendar. I still subscribe to being the thought that counts and not the occassion.

Again, back in Canada after my divorce when I was living alone, once-in-a-while, I would receive invites for weddings or special occasions from friends. That excites me - it's a time I can be with friends again and be merry (in North America, social gatherings are not as frequent as it is in the Philippines)! But often, my funds would be low. It would be losing face (and perhaps insulting) to give a cheap gift. Neither was it appealing to show up with no gift while everyone has. More often, I would end up declining the invite with a made-up excuse.

Thought Bubble
I know my friends genuinely like me to be there - and it's not about the gift. But culturally speaking, you just don't show up without a gift or bring a cheap gift. To say the least, it's uncomfortable. Now I know how my mother felt when she told me not to go to the party without a gift. Increasingly, I viewed gift-giving as a liability...a burden.

I was traveling with my dad and at the airport saying goodbye to his friends in Toronto, all of them, one by one, took turns to give my dad and me a parting present. It was not expected and I was surprised. Apparently, one of the guys in the send-off party, Buddy (I don't think he'll ever read this anyway - wonderful guy though!), also did not expect that there would be gift-giving. I could see the panicked look in his eyes. Everybody had a going-away present for us except him! When everyone gave their presents already and he knew it was his turn, and there was no turning back, he slowly approached me, removed the gold necklace hanging off his neck, and told me that he has always wanted me to have it. I could feel my heart imploding at that point. I had to pretend I was touched, but I really felt sorry for him. It must have cost him a fortune to buy that gold necklace and I'm sure he never had the intention to part with it. I really wanted to refuse it, but it was too awkward to do so. It would only underscore the obvious, that we all knew his predicament, although everybody pretended not to notice it.

Thought Bubble
I don't know where that gold chain is now, but I remember distinctly that I could not look at it without feeling a heaviness in me. Again, cultural dictates constrained him to part with the necklace as I was constrained to accept it. I was increasingly seeing the unpleasant "pretend" side of society when it comes to gift-giving.

A half-sibling was getting married and invited high government officials including the then-president, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. I was taken aback and exclaimed, "You know her?". He said no, but his father-in-law (who could influence public thinking) could persuade the president to attend (and in the spirit of social capital, the president couldn't say No). I asked him again, "Why? and why the lavish wedding?". I didn't see his reply coming. He told me that he has done some calculation and he figured out the gifts would outweigh the cost of the wedding. My jaw dropped!

Thought Bubble
So much for the utter simplicity and innocence of "I do". Had I been in the country during his wedding, I would have come up with an excuse to decline.